Category Archives: wow

Confliction/Indecision

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I’ve been feeling a bit conflicted lately, my friends.  I’ve been spending a lot of time logged into WoW, but not so much the beta.  I’ve talked before, and I’m sure by now many of you have experienced, just how busy the beta is.  It’s hard for me to feel comfortable questing in busy areas, and because there are so many people, I don’t think I could comfortable and objectively give good beta feedback.  Because of that, and because I don’t need a reason to enrage at the moment, I have been avoiding the beta.

That isn’t to say I have ignored the updates.  I’ve been paying semi-close attention to the changes going on with the classes.  I’ve been spending time enjoying LFR, playing more League, leveling alts, and spending more time unplugged from Azeroth.  I have still watched the various sites for patch updates, and I try to comb through them when I have a few spare moments. While I have been checking out other class’ talents and schemes, new rotations, etc, I have been watching the priest changes the most, as Exlucis is a priest after all.

Exlucis is a Troll.  He is in a raiding guild on a raiding-heavy server.  He is accompanied by a baby DK tank, whom I am also fond of.  He has not been touched in a month or more.  Why would I ignore my true love, the priest?  Why would I not invest as much time in his gear as I am in my alts?  Why would I ignore the tank I had started with pride in favor of a PvP centric hunter?em

Because most Twitterland Raiding is Alliance.  Because most of my friends are Alliance.  Because Alliance has kickass story coming their way.  Because Exlucis is in a guild where he is relatively unknown.  Because the people he got to knew ditched his guild for ToR, as many people did.  Because as welcomed as he was, he never felt wanted by the guild he joined.  Because maybe he isn’t the character I want to level first OR second in the new panda land.

I don’t play Exlucis much these days because I am conflicted.  I want to invest as much time into Exlucis as I can, but I don’t know many people Horde side.  I could make much more effort to get to know my guildies in Ride The Lightning, or other Real ID people I know.  I could transfer him to a guild of Horde players I feel connected to.  I could even do the server/race swap AGAIN.  But I’m not sure if that’s what I want.  I’m indecisive about this, and many other things both in AND out of game.

Do I want to mess around with the Warlock and help lead a legion of new players to return the class to glory?  Do I want to try my hand at a totem-redux Shaman, Ascendance and all?  Do I want to level the Hunter more and melt face with my noisy rifle?  Do I want to level an other Priest Alliance side and experience the leveling game renewed?  Do I want to swap Exlucis at the expense of $50, only to face more uncertainty?  Do I want to make an effort to get to know the guild he’s a part of?  Do I wait until Pandaria comes out to make any decisions?

I wish there was a manual.  I wish there was a manual to help with the tough choices.  We make a lot of tough choices in game and out.  In game, we choose if we spend the gold on the expensive enchant.  Out of game, we choose if it’s worth the money to make our character more enjoyable or playable.  In game, we spend time working on achievements or farming pets or mounts.  Out of game, we work on hobbies or chores to give us a sense of accomplishment.  In game we raid, or PvP, or level, or sit in Stormwind chatting.  Out of game we go to work, school, home, the library, or maybe a coffee shop, also chatting.  In game if we have trouble with a class, or we mess up our rotation, or we perform poorly, or we get chided or trolled, we can turn the game off.

Out of game, if we are having problems, we can lean on others for help.  We can look to guide books, or the internet.  We can ignore online bullies and fight indiscretions at work or wherever.  But it’s not that easy.  Nobody tells you how.  In game, the help guide tells you how to deal with negative behavior, to make your experience more enjoyable.  The closest thing to a guide book in real life, one that can answer any ticket you submit, would be a therapist.

It’s May.  May is Mental Health Month for 2012.  It’s a call to action for getting people the help they need.  And I’m conflicted.  I’m conflicted because most people have heard the story I’ve told, but the truth is that the story is a heavily abridged version.  There is more, much more.  Some of it has played out just recently, some of it I have been dealing with for years.  In all of it, I’ve been conflicted about sharing it, with anyone.  I’ve been conflicted on sharing it with myself.  I’ve let all of these things bottle up inside, afraid to admit that I was one of the 1 in 4 adults who have a mental health issue.  I was overwhelmed with self-deprication and fear, and truth be told I still am.  I was scared I would never be able to play out my fantasies or desires.  I was afraid that I would never be cared about, let alone believe that I COULD be cared about, by anyone.  I was afraid of the truth.  And I was afraid I was getting too close to the ledge.

The truth is I’m depressed.  I suffer from depression, officially.  Yes, The Anxious Gamer is now The Anxious/Depressed Gamer.  Catchy, isn’t it?  My point in this is that I was on the fence about coming out with some of these things, to my family, friends, and people I care about (like those I share my blog with).  But I can’t be afraid.  The fact of the matter is I need help.  I am getting professional help to treat the illness.  I want help from my friends, to know that despite any ultra highs or mega lows I come to on this journey, I am cared for and supported, even if seemingly superficial.  I want to accept it.  And although I have much  work to do, I know that coming out with this admission is a good first step to quash the demons, step back from the ledge, and rise to the light.  Because the Light never forsakes its champions, at least that’s what A’dal said (right?)…

So what happens with Exlucis?  I’m not sure.  What happens with my alts?  I’m not sure.  What happens the next time I feel negative or overwhelmed?  I’m not sure.  Will I tell my family and closest friends about my depression?  I’m also not sure.  I’m trying to take things a day at a time, as they come, deciding what’s really important and what’s fleeting.  I’m trying to live more uninhibited by fear and doubt.  I’m trying to live free of confliction and indecision, and go as the wind goes.  It goes against everything I’ve done, but with help and patience I can achieve anything I want to accomplish.  Of that I am certain.

Update:  Remember, if you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL 911!!  If you are close to the ledge, please call a friend or loved one, call the National Crisis Line at 1-800-273-TALK, or call your local hospital or emergency line.  Help is available, and no matter the eventual cost, nothing is worth more than your life!  Even if you do not see it in a time of darkness, your life has value and you are cared about!

Blank

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I’ve been thinking for a few weeks.  Thinking of something to write.  Something witty, something relevant, something poignant.  Nothing came, obviously.  The problem?  Well, I didn’t really know what I wanted to write about.  I have plenty of options.  I could write about the recent forays into LFR with my multiple 85s.  I could write about how I haven’t touched my beloved Exlucis in a month or so, and how I was thinking about making him Alliance again.  I could write about my leveling through Cataclysm and the slog it’s been.  I could write about my journey through a PvP server and my anxiety towards world PvP.  Or I could write about anything.

But I haven’t written anything.  Well, anything blog-ish.  I’ve been doing personal writing, as I’ve been doing a lot of personal thinking.  Thinking about the direction of this blog, my gaming, my life.  Thinking about what I want to accomplish, thinking about what I’m going to be doing 6 months down, 12, 24, etc.  Thinking about what other things I’d like to be doing, other games, other guilds, other jobs, everything.  I started to search my feelings to see where I was, what I wanted.

What I found was that I’m not sure.  I’m not sure about raiding, about Horde v. Alliance.  I’m not sure about Diablo III or LoL.  I’m sure about WoW because of the Annual Pass, and I love playing the game.  I’m just not sure about my skill, my aptitude, my patience for yet an other expansion.  I’m not sure what I want to do with my time, with my life.  I’m not sure of anything.

When I’m not sure about things, I get confused.  I get lost, and I feel helpless.  It’s very easy when you’re unsure of many things to feel overwhelmed with all of the possibilities, in game or in life.  It’s easy to lose track of what’s in front of you.  It’s easy to plan out your Survival Hunter’s rotations and gemming, but that’s not going to get you to max level.  You have to put in the work.  You can think about how much damage you’re going to deal in LFR on your newly minted Destruction Warlock, but you have to get geared enough to do that first.

I got lost, friends.  I got lost on my way to the goals, and I am fighting through that fog like a mad man, frantic and, at times, seemingly alone.  Because of this great community and support of you, who I call my friends, I know I am not alone.  But you are not in my mind.  Only I can fight my way out of this forest of “blah” and onto the path.  It starts with one foot in front of the other, and it takes time.  It also is vast, so it’s easy to get lost.

I am finding my way through this forest, and hopefully sooner rather than later, I will have something relevant to post about games.  For now, I will leave you with a tip I left a few months back.

If you need help, get it.  If you need someone to talk to, there’s always someone available.  If you’re depressed, or thinking about taking your own life, you can visit The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  You can also call their number at 1-800-273-8255.  It may sound ridiculous, but in this life it’s easy to lose your way, and it’s hard to admit you need help.  I am getting that help.  One day at a time I am making my way through this forest.

So hopefully next time I’ll have something a little more upbeat to blog about.  I won’t be drawing blanks, throwing random darts on a dartboard.  I’ll have something relevant to say, although I think I may have done just that.  Funny how that works sometimes.

Cheers!

Initial Mists beta impressions etc.

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I was fortunate enough to receive confirmation on Wednesday that I was in the Mists of Pandaria Beta.  I had meant to download the client beforehand (not that I could *wink wink*) but I spent that evening downloading it legit.  After it was all said and done, I did what any other responsible husband would do – I let my wife make a cute little panda monk.  I watched in awe as she wandered the Wandering Isle, but there was some things that I noticed.

First of all, LOTS OF PEOPLE!  No joke, at least a hundred Panda’s, rolling and meditating and spamming general chat with what seemed like a lot of nonsense.  There were some legitimate questions, but there were also a lot of questions that have been answered a few times already.  The extra people also made it difficult to track what objectives we were looking for.  My wife made an interesting comment in that the quests for the Pandaren, and the monk more specifically, were really easy to complete.  Most beginning quests are designed to be easy, in my opinion, but I had never heard her make a comment like that before regarding a starting zone.  I thought that was interesting.  I have fiddled around with the starting zone a bit, and I found it refreshing.  We’ll have to see how that goes.

The implementation of smart quest rewards is great.  I don’t have to guess which item to take; any choice I had would be a suitable replacement.  AoE looting takes some getting used to; I had to remind myself to NOT loot so I could test the feature.  I failed quite a few times, as I am trained to loot right away in case there are quick respawns.  The Pandaren starting zone is beautiful, as are the Pandaren.  I must say that I am looking forward to Blizzard putting some effort into redoing the older race models.  The Pandaren are just amazing.  The character creation screen is quite a nice upgrade compared to the old; I guess I would just like more options to customize, but that’s a nit pick kind of thing.  I haven’t had much time to test anything else yet, but I hope I will get to soon.

A couple of quick notes…

This is kind of a later update because my days off switched.  I like to blog on my days off, as I have more time to fully gather my thoughts.  Unless I work later in the day, I will usually blog on an off day.  My off days switch every month, so there will be some weeks where I blog twice in a week, and some times where I go 10 days before blogging again.  I also need to get better about updating my blog roll, but I’m new to this blogging thing, so please forgive me.

I tried playing LoL last night.  It had been almost 2 months since I’ve played.  I decided just to play a bot game, to get back in the groove of things.  As soon as we zoned in, some guy started making rape jokes.  I force quit.  I remember why I stopped playing; I can’t deal with people talking like immature kids.

I’ve been dealing with a run of dismounting early on my alts in WoW.  On my priest it’s no big deal, levitate for the win.  Warlock/Shaman?  Splat.  It’s tough for me not to take a running leap off the ledge of the Darkmoon Island pathway, where usually I just levitate in on my priest.  It’s kind of silly, but lately I have been feeling like I’ve been getting close to the ledge in real life.  I am thankful that I have found friends on Twitter and Twitter Mumble to keep me from flying over.  They have been kind enough to lend me an ear and a spoon (or a parachute cloak or two) so that when I find myself there, I don’t have to go over.  I am hopeful that I can continue to foster more relationships through this great community.  I am at a crossroads in my life, where I really need a friend or three to keep me from going into full blown anxiety overload.  It doesn’t help that my work life is full of drama at the moment.

My mind has been a jumbled mess.  I hope next week (or sooner) to have a more serious update about beta.  I have a few things I do want to talk about, but I hope to have time soon to do so.  Happy Friday my friends.