Confliction/Indecision

I’ve been feeling a bit conflicted lately, my friends.  I’ve been spending a lot of time logged into WoW, but not so much the beta.  I’ve talked before, and I’m sure by now many of you have experienced, just how busy the beta is.  It’s hard for me to feel comfortable questing in busy areas, and because there are so many people, I don’t think I could comfortable and objectively give good beta feedback.  Because of that, and because I don’t need a reason to enrage at the moment, I have been avoiding the beta.

That isn’t to say I have ignored the updates.  I’ve been paying semi-close attention to the changes going on with the classes.  I’ve been spending time enjoying LFR, playing more League, leveling alts, and spending more time unplugged from Azeroth.  I have still watched the various sites for patch updates, and I try to comb through them when I have a few spare moments. While I have been checking out other class’ talents and schemes, new rotations, etc, I have been watching the priest changes the most, as Exlucis is a priest after all.

Exlucis is a Troll.  He is in a raiding guild on a raiding-heavy server.  He is accompanied by a baby DK tank, whom I am also fond of.  He has not been touched in a month or more.  Why would I ignore my true love, the priest?  Why would I not invest as much time in his gear as I am in my alts?  Why would I ignore the tank I had started with pride in favor of a PvP centric hunter?em

Because most Twitterland Raiding is Alliance.  Because most of my friends are Alliance.  Because Alliance has kickass story coming their way.  Because Exlucis is in a guild where he is relatively unknown.  Because the people he got to knew ditched his guild for ToR, as many people did.  Because as welcomed as he was, he never felt wanted by the guild he joined.  Because maybe he isn’t the character I want to level first OR second in the new panda land.

I don’t play Exlucis much these days because I am conflicted.  I want to invest as much time into Exlucis as I can, but I don’t know many people Horde side.  I could make much more effort to get to know my guildies in Ride The Lightning, or other Real ID people I know.  I could transfer him to a guild of Horde players I feel connected to.  I could even do the server/race swap AGAIN.  But I’m not sure if that’s what I want.  I’m indecisive about this, and many other things both in AND out of game.

Do I want to mess around with the Warlock and help lead a legion of new players to return the class to glory?  Do I want to try my hand at a totem-redux Shaman, Ascendance and all?  Do I want to level the Hunter more and melt face with my noisy rifle?  Do I want to level an other Priest Alliance side and experience the leveling game renewed?  Do I want to swap Exlucis at the expense of $50, only to face more uncertainty?  Do I want to make an effort to get to know the guild he’s a part of?  Do I wait until Pandaria comes out to make any decisions?

I wish there was a manual.  I wish there was a manual to help with the tough choices.  We make a lot of tough choices in game and out.  In game, we choose if we spend the gold on the expensive enchant.  Out of game, we choose if it’s worth the money to make our character more enjoyable or playable.  In game, we spend time working on achievements or farming pets or mounts.  Out of game, we work on hobbies or chores to give us a sense of accomplishment.  In game we raid, or PvP, or level, or sit in Stormwind chatting.  Out of game we go to work, school, home, the library, or maybe a coffee shop, also chatting.  In game if we have trouble with a class, or we mess up our rotation, or we perform poorly, or we get chided or trolled, we can turn the game off.

Out of game, if we are having problems, we can lean on others for help.  We can look to guide books, or the internet.  We can ignore online bullies and fight indiscretions at work or wherever.  But it’s not that easy.  Nobody tells you how.  In game, the help guide tells you how to deal with negative behavior, to make your experience more enjoyable.  The closest thing to a guide book in real life, one that can answer any ticket you submit, would be a therapist.

It’s May.  May is Mental Health Month for 2012.  It’s a call to action for getting people the help they need.  And I’m conflicted.  I’m conflicted because most people have heard the story I’ve told, but the truth is that the story is a heavily abridged version.  There is more, much more.  Some of it has played out just recently, some of it I have been dealing with for years.  In all of it, I’ve been conflicted about sharing it, with anyone.  I’ve been conflicted on sharing it with myself.  I’ve let all of these things bottle up inside, afraid to admit that I was one of the 1 in 4 adults who have a mental health issue.  I was overwhelmed with self-deprication and fear, and truth be told I still am.  I was scared I would never be able to play out my fantasies or desires.  I was afraid that I would never be cared about, let alone believe that I COULD be cared about, by anyone.  I was afraid of the truth.  And I was afraid I was getting too close to the ledge.

The truth is I’m depressed.  I suffer from depression, officially.  Yes, The Anxious Gamer is now The Anxious/Depressed Gamer.  Catchy, isn’t it?  My point in this is that I was on the fence about coming out with some of these things, to my family, friends, and people I care about (like those I share my blog with).  But I can’t be afraid.  The fact of the matter is I need help.  I am getting professional help to treat the illness.  I want help from my friends, to know that despite any ultra highs or mega lows I come to on this journey, I am cared for and supported, even if seemingly superficial.  I want to accept it.  And although I have much  work to do, I know that coming out with this admission is a good first step to quash the demons, step back from the ledge, and rise to the light.  Because the Light never forsakes its champions, at least that’s what A’dal said (right?)…

So what happens with Exlucis?  I’m not sure.  What happens with my alts?  I’m not sure.  What happens the next time I feel negative or overwhelmed?  I’m not sure.  Will I tell my family and closest friends about my depression?  I’m also not sure.  I’m trying to take things a day at a time, as they come, deciding what’s really important and what’s fleeting.  I’m trying to live more uninhibited by fear and doubt.  I’m trying to live free of confliction and indecision, and go as the wind goes.  It goes against everything I’ve done, but with help and patience I can achieve anything I want to accomplish.  Of that I am certain.

Update:  Remember, if you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL 911!!  If you are close to the ledge, please call a friend or loved one, call the National Crisis Line at 1-800-273-TALK, or call your local hospital or emergency line.  Help is available, and no matter the eventual cost, nothing is worth more than your life!  Even if you do not see it in a time of darkness, your life has value and you are cared about!

Initial Mists beta impressions etc.

I was fortunate enough to receive confirmation on Wednesday that I was in the Mists of Pandaria Beta.  I had meant to download the client beforehand (not that I could *wink wink*) but I spent that evening downloading it legit.  After it was all said and done, I did what any other responsible husband would do – I let my wife make a cute little panda monk.  I watched in awe as she wandered the Wandering Isle, but there was some things that I noticed.

First of all, LOTS OF PEOPLE!  No joke, at least a hundred Panda’s, rolling and meditating and spamming general chat with what seemed like a lot of nonsense.  There were some legitimate questions, but there were also a lot of questions that have been answered a few times already.  The extra people also made it difficult to track what objectives we were looking for.  My wife made an interesting comment in that the quests for the Pandaren, and the monk more specifically, were really easy to complete.  Most beginning quests are designed to be easy, in my opinion, but I had never heard her make a comment like that before regarding a starting zone.  I thought that was interesting.  I have fiddled around with the starting zone a bit, and I found it refreshing.  We’ll have to see how that goes.

The implementation of smart quest rewards is great.  I don’t have to guess which item to take; any choice I had would be a suitable replacement.  AoE looting takes some getting used to; I had to remind myself to NOT loot so I could test the feature.  I failed quite a few times, as I am trained to loot right away in case there are quick respawns.  The Pandaren starting zone is beautiful, as are the Pandaren.  I must say that I am looking forward to Blizzard putting some effort into redoing the older race models.  The Pandaren are just amazing.  The character creation screen is quite a nice upgrade compared to the old; I guess I would just like more options to customize, but that’s a nit pick kind of thing.  I haven’t had much time to test anything else yet, but I hope I will get to soon.

A couple of quick notes…

This is kind of a later update because my days off switched.  I like to blog on my days off, as I have more time to fully gather my thoughts.  Unless I work later in the day, I will usually blog on an off day.  My off days switch every month, so there will be some weeks where I blog twice in a week, and some times where I go 10 days before blogging again.  I also need to get better about updating my blog roll, but I’m new to this blogging thing, so please forgive me.

I tried playing LoL last night.  It had been almost 2 months since I’ve played.  I decided just to play a bot game, to get back in the groove of things.  As soon as we zoned in, some guy started making rape jokes.  I force quit.  I remember why I stopped playing; I can’t deal with people talking like immature kids.

I’ve been dealing with a run of dismounting early on my alts in WoW.  On my priest it’s no big deal, levitate for the win.  Warlock/Shaman?  Splat.  It’s tough for me not to take a running leap off the ledge of the Darkmoon Island pathway, where usually I just levitate in on my priest.  It’s kind of silly, but lately I have been feeling like I’ve been getting close to the ledge in real life.  I am thankful that I have found friends on Twitter and Twitter Mumble to keep me from flying over.  They have been kind enough to lend me an ear and a spoon (or a parachute cloak or two) so that when I find myself there, I don’t have to go over.  I am hopeful that I can continue to foster more relationships through this great community.  I am at a crossroads in my life, where I really need a friend or three to keep me from going into full blown anxiety overload.  It doesn’t help that my work life is full of drama at the moment.

My mind has been a jumbled mess.  I hope next week (or sooner) to have a more serious update about beta.  I have a few things I do want to talk about, but I hope to have time soon to do so.  Happy Friday my friends.

A Promising Scenario

This past October, like many others, I was following the Blizzcon live feed at home, awaiting anxiously for news on Diablo 3.  I had long since left the lands of Azeroth eight months prior, frustrated by my inability to heal as effectively as I could in Wrath.  I understood the paradigm shift that Blizzard was trying to achieve; making mana a more important resource, making trash pulls less forgiving, etc.  Maybe I was spoiled by what people claimed were “easy” heroics, though at the beginning they certainly were not.  Maybe I had lost a step in understanding the new and varying healing mechanics introduced.  Either way, I simply became frustrated to the point of quitting WoW.  So I watched that live feed, awaiting updates for Diablo 3, while seeing what WoW would have to offer up ahead.

A few weeks prior to Blizzcon, rumors were spreading like wildfire that the next expansion would be announced, bearing the name “Mists of Pandaria”, and would have adventurers encountering what many were mockingly calling “cute, fluffy pandas”.  I did not care.  I wanted those Diablo 3 updates.  So I watched, and waited.  The news came trickling in at the start of the ceremony.  Mists was announced; I was surprised in that I was hoping for a bigger surprise.  I did not know I would get my request answered.

The announcements were flying in at a flurrying pace.  I was happy with most, to be honest; bringing the players out into the world, having the story focus on new lore figures, bringing back the Alliance/Horde rivalry, etc.  All the things they said were fine, but one had caught my eye; scenarios.  PvE scenarios would allow players to group up in unrestricted group settings (i.e. no required tank/healer) and have the players complete objectives.  Not much else was known at the time, but I didn’t care.  Scenarios, I later told my wife, were my way back into the lands of Azeroth.  Once they announced the Annual Pass, essentially giving players Diablo 3, I had to jump at the opportunity.

Fast forward about six months later, where just yesterday the floodgates of new information came out regarding Mists of Pandaria.  Blizzard lifted the press NDA after many media sites visited Blizzard HQ just last week.  Many interviews given, many questions answered, many surprising bits of lore and story and game mechanics were given.  I was most looking forward to hearing about scenarios.

Here’s what we know about scenarios thus far, according to the varying reporting sites.  At level 90, players will be able to queue for a scenario in a system similar to LFD or LFR.  There will be five available at launch.  Blizzard is implementing scenarios and reducing or eliminating group quests, which will be interesting to see.  They will not require a dedicated tank or healer.  They are expected to take between 10-30 minutes.  They will reward reputation with the corresponding faction, as well as Valor points (more on those in a bit). They will be expanded upon depending on how well they are received at first.

There is still much we don’t know, however.  Will you be required to enter a queue solo, or can you group with friends?  Will they be repeatable in the same vein that heroic dungeons are if ran through the LFD tool?  Will there be a weekly cap on how many you can do for Valor?  If there is a cap, will they still award reputation?  Will there be any sort of gear upgrades available through these, other than via Valor?  Most importantly, will they be fun?

I think they will be fun.  I assume they will reward gold as well.  If they are repeatable in the same way that LFD heroics are, I assume there will be a weekly cap on Valor granted from scenarios.  I also assume that given the “ease” one could obtain reputation and Valor, the gains will be lower than through heroic dungeons.  I assume that a weekly overall reward cap will be instituted to slow the gains of reputation and gold.  Perhaps the most intriguing outcome that I want to see, depending on how easy it is to complete the scenarios, this could, in theory, lower queue times for heroics for DPS players, although maybe not initially upon expansion launch.

We will have to wait until Beta to really know how things will pan out, but the potential for scenarios is exciting.  Scenarios will provide a potentially easier way to progress your character, which Blizzard is trying to broaden in Mists.  Scenarios will probably be more engaging than kill-and-collect or gather quests, but without a dedicated tank or healer, I doubt they will be in the same vein of group quests like the Ring of Blood and similar chains.  Speaking of, if Blizzard is in essence eliminating the group quest paradigm in place of scenarios, what will happen to our level 90 Ring of Blood quest?  I would certainly hate to see them go.

The potential for scenarios is really limitless, if you think about it.  Even the devs stated that they could see updating them in the future to allow profession skill-ups or other perks.  In that sense, scenarios could end up being like the Darkmoon Faire; short, engaging quests with a good sense of reward, though DMF is capped at one week out of the month.  Regardless, scenarios will provide something to players that Blizzard intends on giving more to us in the future: character progression.  And that’s where the Valor comes in.

According to interviews and reports on the various sites (wowhead, MMO-C, WoWInsider, etc.) Valor is being reworked.  Valor will be used to upgrade the iLevel of your current gear, meaning that if you like the itemization of a specific item, you could potentially upgrade it to infinity.  To be honest, we don’t know enough about the Valor system to make an educated guess, but I will say that I doubt Blizzard will let us upgrade a starting piece of gear all the way through the expansion.  I’m guessing they will require a minimum iLevel to add itemization upon using Valor, and they could adjust it at each content patch.  Again, just a guess at this point.

Why am I making a big deal about scenarios?  Because I am afraid of healing in the current environment of the game.  I am afraid of failure.  “Failure” is a trigger for me, and having people die on my watch makes me feel like I am failing everyone else, even though I may not be.  Perhaps it dates back to Burning Crusade when I was told I wasn’t a good healer.  Perhaps it was in Wrath before people understood how valuable a Disc Priest would be, when they scoffed at my bubbles.  Perhaps it was in Wrath on my Shaman when I couldn’t figure out how to co-ordinate the healing on Anub in the Trials raid.  Perhaps it was when I last tried healing a heroic, Stonecore, on my priest, dying to the worm and getting kicked.  I don’t deal with failure well.  I want to perform well.  Sometimes, there is just too much information flying across the screen for me to keep up with, or I miss-click, or my wireless has a hiccup and I lag spike.  While friends and peers would be more forgiving than a PuG in a LFD or LFR, the guilt and shame and utter sense of helplessness still exists.  As DPS, if you die or screw up, nine times out of ten, maybe even 9.99/10 times, its your own fault.  I wish more DPS players would admit this in PuGs, but such is the way of the game.  I know I admit when I make a mistake, or if I’m confused I ask.

This brings me to an other boon to scenarios, at least for myself.  If you can queue for them in groups, then I will be able to spend more time with my wife.  Heather likes to play as well, and she has less time to devote to WoW than I do.  On the rare occasions we play together, Heather wants to run dungeons.  She wants to progress her character as much as anyone else, and she has many of the same issues I do healing, only she likes to play DPS.  She isn’t the most proficient DPSer, but she doesn’t stand in fire so that’s good.  Scenarios, in Mists, can provide us time together doing relevant content, albeit in spurts. It can also allow her to progress her character like never before.  For me, that makes me extremely happy, and I can only imagine how it would make her feel to equip an epic piece of gear while the content is relevant.

Scenarios are intriguing for a number of reasons.  Overall, they have to be fun and they have to have a reason to exist.  If Blizzard pulls them off as well as I hope they do, as well as I think they will, then I may not run dungeons at all.  I probably will, but I know that I will be able to do so at my pace, that I can have fun at my pace and not have to sit in a 20 minute queue in order to enter a 30 minute dungeon at the hopes I can progress my character.  Alternative progression is the future, and I applaud Blizzard for realizing that and taking positive steps to include even the most casual of casual players.  The future, in Mists of Pandaria, looks promising indeed, and I certainly hope that’s the scenario that plays out.